I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
