i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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