my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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