i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
