Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
