Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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