Will you blow on my dice?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
