He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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