i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
