If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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