You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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