Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
