I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
