Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
