we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
