I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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