Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
