hotel room ftw
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
