I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
