My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
