You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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