The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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