There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
