I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
