I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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