I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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