So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
