I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
