I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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