Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
