my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
