party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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