Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
