So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
