I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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