I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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