shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
