a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
