Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
