i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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