so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
