I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We need a shit load of segways right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
