I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
