I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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