I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
