I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We smell like vodka and hangover
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