Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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