Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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