all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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