It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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