I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
