I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my phone needs a breathalizer
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
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Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
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The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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