I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
