i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
