That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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