i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
