Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
